Hindered

I wish I were a bird
Rise above it all
Watch it all shrink and slowly disappear
And I would simply disappear too
Soar in the air
           Wild and free
All the best things are wild and free
Except me
I'm still here
And alas, another day begins
And another small piece of my spirit dies
Deep breaths help me through
I have to remind myself to breathe
But I'm running low on reasons
I'm just sitting here
Staring out the window
Through the bricks and smog and busy people
At the birds

On second thought

I find it funny my world didn't collapse
Maybe briefly it was shaken...
But life went on just fine
Even though everything is different
Things always look different in the morning
When our visions aren't as cloudy
Why do we make everything life or death?
It's never really that serious
I'm a bit melodramatic I guess
My whole damn life is a soap opera
Well that's getting quite old
Let's put a pin in that, huh?
I made you so much more important than you really were
I needed something to matter that much
It didn't have to be you
So does that mean it's not real?

The poetry magnets made me do it

Broken wings hold me prisoner
My heart throbs with fiery need
Your voice melts away cloudy skies
I drink in your poison
But wake surrounded by darkness
Kisses linger on my lips
And I think I am at peace
It is a brilliant lie
How this secret devours me
I let it steal my breath like a fool
In hopes I will be whole
I worry I may never heal

Blinders

I don't want this feeling anymore
I want it buried deep again
I can be me with you
And fly free
Until morning comes
And your need to flee
I just want to keep being me
And have that be enough for you
Why can't that be enough for you?
I almost had you
You were mine for a short whole
But not really
No, not really
I can smile and say it's okay
While my heart shatters
Just hold me a little longer
And tell me anything to calm my fears
It does't have to be true
Just enough to get me through
You were just here
But my hand is empty now
And my head is so full
I torment myself without your help
You'll never really know how much it hurts

Your letter

Written words cut deeper
Their knives are dipped in venom
Laced with hate and intent
The attack carefully considered
Consequences weighted
Are utterances more easily forgiven?
They're both still thoughts
They're there
"I wish I never gave birth to you"
Well, there you have it
When compared to your pedophile son, I still come up last
I must be evil
My inception dreams tell me so
I see him lurking in corners
                beckoning to me
Do you see something I do not?
I continue on licking the wounds you keep opening
Cursing your words
You relish in my actions don't you?
Is my unhappiness your only victory?
How could you possibly enjoy this
I continue to sink lower
Trapped in my own thoughts
If there are shadows, shouldn't there be light?

Freedom

I didn't think of you at all today
I didn't have to catch my breathe
Or stop myself from crying
My world didn't stop
And the sky didn't open up
Today wasn't the first
Just the first I noticed
You're not the one I'd call if it all fell apart
You don't hear about my day
Or know what makes me mad
You wouldn't even know how to make it better
I guess I just don't need you anymore
I don't know when,
but somehow I stopped loving you
My heart doesn't ache anymore
There is no longing
No reaching out to an empty space
I'm not bitter or angry about it
More shocked at my indifference
You called today and I didn't pick up
I'm a little too nonchalant for this
They told me I'd laugh one day
That I'd live again
I'm no longer broken
I'm elated....
         I'm free.....
               I can finally be me

My mother

Whether I laugh or cry

I can’t scream here

Near the white light

Life continues to ache and pound

                With drunken sweetness

It ain’t pretty

                Though I try to make it be

What can I do except sit here in affliction

I’m losing

Is it even my fight?

Now hidden from the world

Stained glass broken

Dull, dirty, lifeless

The shattered pieces reflecting me

Though I can’t really see

She speaks and turns away from me

I don’t remember her words

Only the hurt they caused

And the stains they left on my heart

I see her now standing there

But we no longer exist

Except for the scattered and jaded memories

                That make no sense

They mean nothing to her now

Why must they mean something to me?

I am weaker than the powers that bind me

She surpasses it with an ease

                I didn’t know existed

Slipped into a world that I can’t enter

She won’t let me

I understand my place

                Though I cannot accept it

If I leave it alone, she’ll never come back

Should I even let her?

Would she even want to?

I really don’t have a choice

She decided long before I knew I could

It’s a waste of time –

                Having hope in a lost cause

Maybe that’s what keeps me going

All I know is emptiness

(And I don’t want it)

And the fact that you must feel it too