Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth. ~Benjamin Disraeli
So here's my truth in its rawest form....

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Your letter

Written words cut deeper
Their knives are dipped in venom
Laced with hate and intent
The attack carefully considered
Consequences weighted
Are utterances more easily forgiven?
They're both still thoughts
They're there
"I wish I never gave birth to you"
Well, there you have it
When compared to your pedophile son, I still come up last
I must be evil
My inception dreams tell me so
I see him lurking in corners
                beckoning to me
Do you see something I do not?
I continue on licking the wounds you keep opening
Cursing your words
You relish in my actions don't you?
Is my unhappiness your only victory?
How could you possibly enjoy this
I continue to sink lower
Trapped in my own thoughts
If there are shadows, shouldn't there be light?

Monday, October 10, 2011


I didn't think of you at all today
I didn't have to catch my breathe
Or stop myself from crying
My world didn't stop
And the sky didn't open up
Today wasn't the first
Just the first I noticed
You're not the one I'd call if it all fell apart
You don't hear about my day
Or know what makes me mad
You wouldn't even know how to make it better
I guess I just don't need you anymore
I don't know when,
but somehow I stopped loving you
My heart doesn't ache anymore
There is no longing
No reaching out to an empty space
I'm not bitter or angry about it
More shocked at my indifference
You called today and I didn't pick up
I'm a little too nonchalant for this
They told me I'd laugh one day
That I'd live again
I'm no longer broken
I'm elated....
         I'm free.....
               I can finally be me

Friday, September 23, 2011

My mother

Whether I laugh or cry
I can’t scream here
Near the white light
Life continues to ache and pound
                With drunken sweetness
It ain’t pretty
                Though I try to make it be
What can I do except sit here in affliction
I’m losing
Is it even my fight?
Now hidden from the world
Stained glass broken
Dull, dirty, lifeless
The shattered pieces reflecting me
Though I can’t really see
She speaks and turns away from me
I don’t remember her words
Only the hurt they caused
And the stains they left on my heart
I see her now standing there
But we no longer exist
Except for the scattered and jaded memories
                That make no sense
They mean nothing to her now
Why must they mean something to me?
I am weaker than the powers that bind me
She surpasses it with an ease
                I didn’t know existed
Slipped into a world that I can’t enter
She won’t let me
I understand my place
                Though I cannot accept it
If I leave it alone, she’ll never come back
Should I even let her?
Would she even want to?
I really don’t have a choice
She decided long before I knew I could
It’s a waste of time –
                Having hope in a lost cause
Maybe that’s what keeps me going
All I know is emptiness
(And I don’t want it)

And the fact that you must feel it too

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Quirky me

My randomness is a cause of concern
You smile and nod,
but you don't get me
I'm not meant for this
Can't be contained to appease you
A prisoner of your narrow mindedness
Come skip down the street with me
Or dance in the rain
I'd welcome any storm if it would wash it all away
Bending spoons is not your thing
I'll always be a tad bit left of center
Does that not fit your world?
I can only be me

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Let me go

I looked again with fresh eyes
                and wanted so badly to see you
The truth of it shattered my spirit
And again my heart is tired
This addiction to your toxicity is wearing me down
But you are my drug
The only thing I live on
And this suffering, at least, is familiar
I’m more scared of the unknown
Or maybe just life without you
Every breath is music to my ears
                worth the bruises on my heart
Your words flow through me
And each sting erodes me
yet one glance consoles me
Just once more...
                each time – once more
But not an encore of last night
I don’t want those grey skies
I want to be lost in you always
I need to be unburdened by you
I have to be free
I could fall out of love if you let me
How tragic would that be?
                How unforgivingly tragic!
Let me go….