Numb

I falter when I step
The way it spins around me
S l o w l y at first,
                    then faster and faster
But I still don't fall
All I want is the ground
I can't feel it beneath my feet
Not even the pain
                    I'm numb to everything
But it DEMANDS to be felt
So instead I lose my breath
And my vision fades
Scattered and broken pieces of your face
                    invade my mind
Distorted voices whisper against my ear
But the words are muddled,
                     worse, dripping with venom
Sing me to sleep
I want to forget

Facade

Doesn't your mask get heavy?
Must be hard to keep it all straight
Your "exaggerated truths"
Who am I talking to today?
Don't like this version either anyway
Are you tired yet?
Because you exhaust me
And my half smile is starting to match yours
The sound of your voice makes me sad
Your eyes look desperate
For a second you almost got me
But you're still a jerk
You're not ready anyway
My fingers can't smooth the creases that line your brow
So I won't reach out
           Or get pulled in
                       I'll lay low
Even if you shed the veil I wouldn't know who you are
Would you?

One day at a time

I always hear the whispers
invading my thoughts
Breaking down my resolve
To an inch of my sanity
The way it beckons
stirring memories
Which then intertwine
with harsh realities
And I remember why
I walked away that night
That's the moment
I have to catch my breath
Chanting mantras
while I break into a sweat
I never knew you, did I?
That's the sad, simple truth
lodged in my throat
It dampers the whispers
into a bearable white noise
Day 41, check

Home to me

You are my anchor
My solace, my gravity
You are home to me

Wherever you are
I still carry you with me
Always in my heart

I cannot let go
The pieces of you and me
It's all I have left

I am at my best
Because you see that in me
You are home to me

This Place

Breathing is much harder

In this shallow

          empty place

The constant chatter

      invades me

One foot

   in front

      of the other

Damn it

          I'm lost again

It never stops

   this swirling

      in my head

I just wanted a place of 

      solace

Instead I got

solitude

Untitled 1

You stand there stone faced
Calloused fingers grip a cigarette
I watch the red light burn
As it all slips further and further away
Sometimes I say too much
But there's not enough time to say it all
So I stare at that light
And let the silence speak instead
Knowing I only have until it burns down to a nub
What's left of us?
A discarded cigarette, laying in the gutter
Sounds about right

Invictus

I will not hide in corners
Running from the light
I refuse to rage a war just to prove my point
The emotions are spilling over
While you sing a lullaby
Tempting little devil
Watching others crash into jagged rocks
Lost forever
Smothered screams and heavy blackness
Pulling me under, I will not lose control
Your never ending army grows
Unwilling souls swirling into the depths
Intertwined and restless

It's all engulfed in flames
Why is it so inviting?
This urgent pull
Seductive and desperate
It almost makes me forget
I'm that close to letting you in
Surrendering to that vortex
But your words don't soothe me
They knock me out of my reverie
I will not fall victim
I am my own 
And you can't have me anymore 

The End

I grate my feet on broken glass leaving a ruby path
A swirl of dust pushes me back
Blinding me as I claw through the air
It's heavy and stings my eyes

Sway, sway with me
Let this current pull us away
But the ripples tear piece by piece
Until all that remains is horridly raw
Unfiltered and crude
It shrinks me, swallows me whole
And then spits me back out
In the early afternoon sun
Where I lay to waste
My insides scraped hollow and left to rot

Yet the noise of the world goes on
The busy people with important things to do go by
The move in taxis and walk their dogs
There's only one inevitable truth:
In the end, life goes on

Never Gone

By the old oak tree
I buried it there
Pieces of you
Pieces of me
When the water touched my toes
I threw it out to sea
What was left of you
What was left of me
The warm breeze against my skin
Brought it all back to me
I am never without you

Home

I can't find it

This place that seems to exist for everyone

Except me anyway

I thought I was there once 

It felt like home

But like most pretty things, those memories faded

I can barely recall now

Was I ever there?

Do I just see illusions?

Sometimes I think that’s enough

And then the picture becomes more and more washed out

Frayed at the ends

And it can hold me no longer

I need this place to call my own

Where I hear laughter

Where I'm not afraid

  Or alone

                      (I hate that the most I think)

I need reason to believe that I'm on my way

Perhaps it’s just around the corner?

I hope at least... There's always hope right?

Maybe I just want to be missed when I’m gone

Have a careful eye on the horizon

A place to come back to

No matter how long I’m away

With someone waiting for me

Who’s thinking of me tonight?

And am I home to him?

The confines of fear

Running away is easier

Leaves a different mess

I can’t fake smiles anymore

It gets old quick

And wears on my soul

This air is thick

I feel it pushing on me

But the wind racing through the window chases it away

The speed surpasses all the things that eat away at me

Just the sound of Indie Rock

And the thoughts in my head

             That fade slowly

                     Until I silence them away

Maybe if I pretend they don’t exist they’ll really be gone…

Even for a minute

       I need some solace

Nope, that didn’t work

Just focus on the road

And the trees whizzing by

I don’t want to be here anymore

I’m tired of being scared

     Of myself

      Of others

       Of being trapped

        Of my soul’s hunger

I need to break free from these confines of fear

Addiction

I’m addicted to him
Not in an obsessive way, or even in a sexual way
I’m addicted to the way all my problems and anxiety seem to fade away when he is around

I can be having a total meltdown
And when he grabs my hand
               I’m relaxed
He’s my medicine

(Who am I kidding? He’s my drug)
He saves me from myself
Not every secret is bad

He is more myself than I am

I'll go back on the things I believe
Abandon all common sense and logical thought
I'll hush the quiet voices
Drown them out with a soft melody
The rushing and spinning around me slows
Because when I'm standing there with you I don't hear all the noise
Just the sound of the rain
Even my laughter is foreign to me
Maybe you bring out the real me
I like her
She gives freely and dances in the rain
Jumps in fountains and sings on the top of her lungs
I'm only her with you
And when you're gone the blurry fog returns
And the streaks of dizzy returns
And so my day just goes on
I already miss the freedom you gave me
You'll be a hard act to follow, sir

Battle

There is a rage hidden deep within
Taunted and tempted
Held at bay too long
Blood boiling and shaking palms called to it
No reversal plan in place
Let the flood gates open
And wait for the destruction
The quiet girl is gone
Not an ounce of meekness remains
I'm ready to play your game
I didn't realize we already were
It's been seven years
But I finally showed up
And I brought some friends
Don't forget you invited me
You say I've ruined you life?
I haven't begun to ruin your life
Let the games begin

Who is that?

I'm not who I was
I haven't seen me in a while
There's a pretty girl in that mirror
I can't remember when I stopped being her
Or maybe she, me
She's trapped in a rectangle
With bad lighting no less
I see her window shopping
Or watching the trees rush by
Quiet, observing
Raised eye brows and squinting eyes
A ripple in the water and she's gone
Day by day I didn't notice the change
But suddenly it stops feeling normal
Suddenly I'm just not me
And she's just as confused
Our synchronized dance in time
I kind of want to smack that smirk off her face

Pretty lies

Someday isn't here yet
I hope it never comes
This reality is haunting me
My illusion is caving in
But I'll always come back
               when you call me
I'll wait
In the dusty corners of your mind
No need to say goodbye
I know you'll come back too
I hope so anyway
There's always hope... right?
But someday isn't here yet
I'll try to keep it at bay a little longer
Just to drink you in some more
The truth is so cruel
So I listen to the pretty lies
                I tell myself instead

When you're gone

I know it’s coming…
Even though you try to avoid it
You’ll be gone
Take me with you
I wish you could
It burns
So instead I’ll pull away
I’ll be gone for a while
Until it doesn’t hurt anymore
I’ll come back to you
One day
When I can look at you without crying
When my heart is no longer broken
I already miss you
I’ll miss you in forever ways
I just want to be whole

It's a constant battle

A borrowed verse from Lisa Schroeder:

I like

the memories
because they remind me
I haven't always been
this girl,
constantly
mad or scared
or confused.

I don't like

the memories
because the tears
come easily,
and once again I break
my promise
to myself for this day.

It's a constant battle.
A war between remembering and forgetting.

Seems you don't know me

I'm a tad bit fickle
I'll pretend it's part of my charm
My mood is unpredictable
Tomorrow I'll probably care less
Or my world will slip away
Either way... I'm fine today
I'm actually more than okay
Lighter
Okay, okay - there's a pep in my step
I don't need a reason why
I'll obsess over the next thing
That's just my method you see
All my effort and attention focused
It hurts less this way
I even convince myself you see
I can't reveal any breakdowns
Won't let you see me
I need a new project
Hmm... definitely not a new lover.
HA!
I just might break his heart
Revert back to the old me
Keep him hanging by a thread
But there's no more rush in that power
It's just plain mean
No I'll just keep skipping today
And see where I end up
Who knows if I want to be there tomorrow
Or tonight even

Hindered

I wish I were a bird
Rise above it all
Watch it all shrink and slowly disappear
And I would simply disappear too
Soar in the air
           Wild and free
All the best things are wild and free
Except me
I'm still here
And alas, another day begins
And another small piece of my spirit dies
Deep breaths help me through
I have to remind myself to breathe
But I'm running low on reasons
I'm just sitting here
Staring out the window
Through the bricks and smog and busy people
At the birds